It is official - I will be returning to mother india in June of this year! I am very excited to be returning to my second home. So funny - how much I have truly fallen in love with India. I've not even been home a full two months and I'm already planning my trip back to Mysore.

Life is good back home in good ole Florida - it has been quite lovely getting back into the groove of teaching, living, and practicing in Orlando. Busy....life here is so much more busy than life in India - although I find that the combination of time in both countries helps to keep me balanced in general. And that is what life and yoga are all about right?

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others. – Marianne Williamson


Happy Sunday to you all! I wish love, happiness, and contentment to everyone! I am just trying to relax and enjoy my last few days here in Mysore before I head back to the States on Thursday. I can’t believe the time has come and gone and I’m now heading home. But I can happily say I’ve had such an amazing experience here in India this year full of many new and different experiences, great yoga practice, and the beginning of a new love – Odissi!

I had dance with Sindhu today at 11am – we usually don’t meet on Sundays but I wanted to fit in as many lessons with her as possible the last few days before I go home. Today was a little sad b/c she told me she is just now getting sad as she’s realizing I’m leaving so soon. I too got sad for a minute, but smiled knowing that I will see her again next year. We have accomplished quite a lot in the time I’ve had with her, and I can’t wait to come back next year having worked on my dancing at home alone – want to come back and make Sindhu proud of me by showing her how much I’ve grown in my dance back in the States.

Thinking back on the last three months, so much has happened….many wonderful things, quite a few sad ones, some confusing moments, and many new experiences…It really blows my mind actually – the time that I’ve had this year, the people I’ve met, the things I’ve been able to do, and the memories I have to take home with me ;)

Tomorrow and the rest of the week will prove to be very busy indeed. I have quite a few final errands to run in the next few days, and a few of my newly found friends want to fill these last few days taking me to do some fun things – planning to go to the exhibition today (it’s like a fair back home), tomorrow is the zoo, and Tuesday we plan to go to the Circus! I’m really excited about the exhibition today and the Circus Tuesday as It’s been YEARS since I’ve been to a Circus (actually think the last time was when my father was still alive), and the fair has been at least five years. I’ve already been to the Mysore zoo but think it will be fun to go one last time with my friends. So, in addition to all that I have very little time to get everything else done – but it will all happen – no worries there.

Wishing you all a gorgeous day – wherever you are in the world!

I've felt pretty worthless today...Sad...But its all gonna be just fine. I am really looking forward to going home, trying to get things finished up here in India, feeling loss, feeling pain for Angela's family and my own, feeling a bit ill, and feeling like things in life are always so - well so...

I really want to be home right now - never want to go to funerals but I do wish I could have gone to this one. Angela was so young - my sisters and I grew up with her - I feel as though I should be there to pay my respects. But I coundn't be - so I must accept and let go of my desire. I am sure it was a beautiful funeral!

I woke up this new moon day to a phone call from my mama...She informed me that a childhood friend of mine passed away yesterday in a car crash! She was only 28 years old, full of life, finishing law school....I spent a few minutes talking to my mother - but couldn't talk long as i couldn't keep from crying.....Death - it's all around, always....but sometimes it doesn't seem to get any easier to accept. I sort of feel lucky b/c I've been abroad everytime someone close to me has died in the last five years...I HATE funerals and am really feel blessed not to be able to go...My mother started crying though b/c she fears that I will be abroad when she passes away - i asked her not to talk about her death - couldn't handle the thought today......

Happy, happy, happy Monday!!! I just got back from the most delicious practice I’ve had in eons…What a wonderful way to start the day.

As I got ready for practice I realized I only have seven more at the shala before I leave – and while it is a little sad it made me smile inside – realized I MUST enjoy each and every single second I have with Saraswati over the next week because it will be a while before I have the fortune to do it again.

I walked to the shala listening to some good ole Cat Stevens – and as I did my daddy entered my mind – he loved Cat Stevens! I took a moment to ‘speak to him’ and thank him for always being here by my side and watching over me. And again when I stepped on my mat I thought of him – thanked him for many things…Today I asked the universe to help me work on patience and clarity. I dedicated my practice to my mother, my father, and to Kwang, thanked Saraswati for her teaching, and silently chanted my opening mantra…and then I was off to a gorgeous moving meditation that didn’t end til I lifted myself from Shavasana.

In yesterdays entry I said that Maureen had decided to stay another week – well last night she said she isn’t going to after all, but will leave tomorrow morning and make her way back to Florida! Although I’m sad she’s gonna leave, if that is what she wants to do than I am happy for her – not to mention I’ll see her as soon as I get back home in ten days – so it’s not a big deal. Just gonna be lonely in our flat is all and who in the world am I gonna go to the pool with? No one here enjoys the sun like us Florida girls ;)


Talked to Kwang last night and he said that it is getting cold in Florida! While I’m not a fan of the cold I am sooooo excited to go home to chilly Florida winter. It just brings a smile to my face thinking about stepping off that plane and out into the crisp, breezy, chilly, evening Florida air ;) Kwang also said he’d finished his soccer game and couldn’t help but wish I were there to take a nice long walk around winter park. I almost cried b/c I used to beg him to take walks with me and he never wanted to – he said there are a lot of things he wants to do with me when I get home…He continued to tell me he can’t wait to make me a nice piece of salmon with broccoli and share a nice bottle of wine! Oh yeah – I can’t wait for that either! He always did do more cooking for us than I did – and for good reason – he’s better at it and he enjoys it far more. Kwang and I have a lot to work on when I return, but I look forward to seeing him and working to figure things out.


I wish everyone back home a beautiful Monday – simply cannot wait to see all of you when I return home – I’m counting down the days now! It seems like it has been so long since I’ve been home – and the funny thing is that while I’ve been gone three months, I’ll get home and about three months into my life back in the US I’ll start getting excited about returning to India…You see, for those of you who don’t know – mother India is a mystical place that gets into your heart and your soul – and once you come you fall in love! She will always have a special place in my heart – she is my second home ;)

Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn!
Look to this Day!
For it is Life, the very Life of Life.
In its brief course lie all the Verities and Realities of your Existence.
The Bliss of Growth,The Glory of Action,The Splendor of Beauty;
For Yesterday is but a Dream,And To-morrow is only a Vision;
But To-day well lived makes Every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness,
And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope.
Look well therefore to this Day!Such is the Salutation of the Dawn!

- Kalidasa

Happy Sunday everyone! It is indeed a happy day for me because Maureen has opted not to go to Goa! She's gonna stay in Mysore for one extra week, which means she only leaves two days before I do ;) Yeah!!!! The two of us have had a great day thus far hanging out, walking around town, doing a little necessary shopping, checking email, and eating :) At Subway!! It was sooooo good and boy did it remind us of home - we are both beyond ready to get back to Orlando in a bad way - but we opted today to spend this last week really working hard to enjoy the little precious remaining time we have here in India. So that is what we shall do this week - enjoy the fact that all good things must come to an end - and we are so very close to the end of this particular journey.

Wishing everyone back home lots of love and positive energy - can't wait to see you all soon ;)

I just finished having Erin's official goodbye lunch...I was totally fine through lunch, but as I was leaving and gave Erin a big hug, I almost started to cry...That's one reason I never go to these goodbye lunches or dinners - I hate goodbyes...But Erin is a very special person I've had the pleasure to meet here in Mysore this year, and I couldn't miss this one - even though it made me very sad ;( She leaves on a bus this evening heading to Kerala, and then will travel a bit more of India before heading back to the states...Don't know when I'll see her again, but I know I will....

Everyone else is leaving by the early part of next week...Almost all of the yogis here now are heading to Goa, including Maureen. She was gonna leave next Wednesday but now she's bumped it up to Tuesday ;( She is really trying hard to get me to go with her and spend my last week in India in Goa - but I just can't swing that this year - especially not with such short notice - that would give me four more days in Mysore - and money is an issue too - so maybe next time...But it is gonna be really quiet and a bit lonely the last week here in good ole Mysore....

I hope everyone back home had a rockin Halloween! I'm sure you did - and man how I wish I could have been there to celebrate with you all. I have a few local friends here in Mysore who insisted we go out for a bit last night to celebrate Halloween - we did nothing Halloweenish at all b/c there simply isn't any such thing here - but it was fun to hang out...I told them they all need to come to America to experience a REAL Halloween someday....

I have dance class soon and man I'm low on zee energy today....kinda dragging zee bum...but I'm sure Sindhu will give me a much needed boost of energy, and also kick my fanny....She has been working me to the bone recently and loving every second of it too ;) We are moving really quickly through the current item I'm learning and I'm curious to see just how much of it we can cover before i head home....

Speaking of home.....this time two weeks from today I will be sleeping in my very own bed! Oh how sweet that will be....To all my friends and family - i love you all very much, and I can't wait to see you and give you great big hugs!

BEST POEM EVER

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...enough money within her control to move outand rent a place of her own,even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...something perfect to wear if the employer,or date of her dreams want s to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a past juicy enough that she's looking forward toretelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to fall in love witho ut losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to quit a job,break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...that she can't change the length of her calves,the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to live al one... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .whom she can trust,whom she can't,and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table...or a charming inn in the woods...when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...

Pretty much everyone I’ve grown close to in Mysore this year will be leaving this week or the beginning of next…I’ll have a little over a week here all by myself…Makes me sad…Erin leaves this week and Maureen will leave next week. Not too many other people left now – will be sad to say goodbyes but hopefully they are just, “see you laters.” I too am really getting ready to go home. The last week or so has been a lot of mental preparation for my upcoming return home – a little over two weeks left. I’m really excited but also a bit sad – natural I know but interesting nonetheless. But as I sit here and think about arriving in the Orlando International airport, getting home to my clean house, seeing and touching my things again, eating lots of foods I’ve missed for quite some time, sleeping in my bed, riding my bike, driving my car, seeing all my friends, and getting back into my life routine, I have a big smile on my face. Mysore is most certainly my second home – but Orlando is my first – and I do miss her right now.

I feel like I have a lot to do before I leave, and I have time but part of me wants to make sure to take care of all the little details now so I can just sit back and relax my last few days here…Need to get on top of that…Today will prove to be another pretty full day, but full of life in Mysore type stuff – need to make time this week for lots of little errands and emails to set myself to go home. Sounds kinda strange – going home. Oh, I hate that I’ll be missing Halloween this year – but luckily I’ll home for Thanksgiving – ah, thanksgiving feast – nothing in the world like it. Can’t believe this year is almost over – where in the world did 2007 go?

Happy Moon Day! I personally slept in til 8 this morning and I must admit it was quite glorious! Once I got up I finished doing yet more laundry before having a lovely shower. Been reading the last few hours and soon will head off to Anu’s to upload this blog entry for all to read. I have dance soon too – and I can’t wait. I’m really gonna miss Sindhu when I got home – but plan to continue doing Odissi – only on my own til I return to India next year. I figure if I can dedicate 45 minutes to an hour about four days per week practicing what she’s taught me, I should be able to come back next May and pretty much start back where we left off. Odissi dancing is most definitely something I’d like to keep a part of my life from here on out, much like my yoga practice. And while it won’t be nearly the same without Sindhu – I do my yoga practice alone back home, so I know it wont’ be a problem to keep up with the practice. Makes me a little sad though to think that I won’t get to go to dance class each day with Sindhu when I leave – oh well, all good things must come to an end at some point – but the good news is that its only for a short time – I truly hope to study with her each year when I come to continue my yoga studies!

Ugh…Woke up too late to have my morning shower before practice today! Although it’s Thursday it was led primary today because tomorrow is Full Moon day – no practice. I sprinted from my bed, threw on my clothes, brushed my teeth, and ran out the door in lightening speed…Made it to the shala with just minutes to spare before practice began. And since I am attached to my morning shower, I must admit my practice suffered considerably. All good though as practice of any sort is better than no practice at all.

When I woke up I got my shower, and headed to Anus’ for some emails before heading to the BMH hospital…You see I don’t have health insurance and I want to get all necessary health checkups done here as its FAR less expensive than the US. Before I leave I will get my teeth cleaned – but today was the day to get my ladies yearly examination out of the way. Now, I have heard wonderful things about the BMH hospital, and had no inclinations whatsoever about going for my yearly exam here in India. But I couldn’t have been more wrong – it was a pretty mortifying experience to say the least. When I arrived the receptionist was quite efficient at taking my money for my ‘consultation with the OBGYN’ – and I use the word consultation quite lightly. I went in and spent all of 60 seconds with this lady who said, “Tell me what is the problem?” I explained to her that I was here for a yearly exam; you know a pap smear and the whole nine yards. She didn’t seem to even pay attention to what I was saying – she simply told me to go to room 8 and get a test run there. I thought maybe it was the Pap smear, but no – it was a freaking ultrasound of my tummy and uterus. Having done that a nurse took me back to reception to pay for that service, which was pointless and not what I wanted…Then I was taken back to the doctor, who said the ultra sound looked fine – no problems. I said, “GREAT!” but I’m here for a pap smear. She asked me how old I was and if I was married – “25 years old, not married,” I replied…She said I didn’t need a pap smear. Apparently things work quite differently here in India b/c I’ve been getting yearly paps since I was eighteen years old back in the states, and it has been ingrained in me that they are VERY NECESSARY procedures for women to have on a yearly basis. At this point I was quite past annoyed – I simply told the woman that is what I came here for and I did want one. She hesitatingly agreed, and with a swiftness I’ve never seen in an OBGYN’s office, she performed what I assume was a proper pap. Man, when that was over I felt exhausted, annoyed, and quite at a loss for words…That is until the nurse instructed me to go back to reception to pay for that examination. I looked at her dumbfounded and asked her why I had to pay so much for so many ridiculous procedures…She didn’t say anything, simply pointed at the receptionists desk, as if I didn’t have the location committed to memory by now. At the end of it all it was still less than twenty dollars US for all ‘procedures, and consultations’ – but shit man….I was really spoiled a few weeks ago when I went to the most amazing eye clinic I’ve ever seen here or elsewhere – guess it created some sort of expectation about this doctor visit. But whatever, it is over and I am happy it is…

That done, I was more than happy to get myself back to Gokulam and relax for a little while before heading to dance class…But Maureen called and asked if I’d like to grab some grub with her – which I was happy to as I hadn’t realized how hungry I was…So we went to Cubs to grab some food – not too shabby but most certainly not my favorite – they have some great coffee, but I don’t think I’ll be eating there again.
As has been the trend for the last four days here in Mysore, it rained ALL day long, and much of the evening as well….Rain, rain, rain, rain…I’m starting to feel like a wet dog all day – from the time I walk to practice in the morning til the time I walk home at night – there is a small film of wetness pervading your being…

I had a most amazing dance lesson with Sindhu today. We started class by reviewing all ten chowkas, from the 1st to the 10th. I enjoyed it thoroughly b/c it’s been a while since we’ve done all the chowkas. Afterwards, we spent the last hour working on the item I’m learning. I’ve come a pretty long way thus far, and today we added a few more segments to the dance…Luckily for me, I seemed to catch on pretty quickly to the new material – unlike Tuesday when I had the worst time with some new stuff she was teaching me. My energy remained high throughout our lesson, and Sindhu’s presence always uplifts my spirits – she is such a beautiful soul! After class we discussed going to yet another performance tomorrow night – I’m really excited – not only because I really enjoy seeing the different styles of Indian dance, but I absolutely love going with Sindhu. So I’ll be practicing at 4pm tomorrow and we’ll head to the palace around 6:30pm to see another show!

On my way home I stopped by the store to grab a few groceries – came home and emptied the bucket of soaking laundry so I could refill it with fresh water and wash my clothes…You see I’m now back to doing all my own laundry – not such a bad thing in America as we have washers and dryers – and man do I miss my washer and dryer – far more than words could ever express. I’ve been really spoiled this trip b/c I had someone do my laundry for me at Tina’s and at my old flat – just paid the maid about $12.00 per month to come clean the house every other day and also do my laundry – was so sweet! Now that I’m here with Maureen we don’t have a maid – which is really quite fine by me, but I do miss having someone do my laundry. You have to wash everything by hand, and since I sweat in my yoga clothes in the morning, have day clothes to wear, and sweat thorough and through in my dance class, I’ve got at least three sets of clothes to wash per day – that is a hellofalot of laundry to do…Needless to say I feel like all I do anymore is laundry – and those of you who have ever hand washed clothes – it’s a long drawn out process for sure – you must soak the dirty clothes, then soak them again in detergent and scrub and swish them before finally draining that soapy water, rinsing the clothes, ringing them out, and then hanging them to dry (and drying, should take a day in the sun but since it’s been raining for days and days and days, well clothes aren’t drying) – finally yesterday I put all my clothes in the house and let them dry there – looked like a laundry mat in our flat – but after turning the fans on for several hours it did the trick!)

After my adventures with the laundry, I showered and got ready to go out with Maureen, Jackie, Joyce, Erin, and a sleuth of other people for a fun night of dancing at high octane! Since tomorrow is a moon day it seems a lot more yogis came out of the woodwork for some good ole hip hop at High Octane. It was a blast – tons of people at the club, great music, lots of dancing – just good old fashioned fun. While I didn’t take my camera last night, Maureen did, and if I can get her pictures I’ll post some here for your entertainment!

Happy Birthday Kama!

Today is my sister's birthday!!!! Yeah! She is exactly 13 months older than me, but yet she looks younger than me....Wasn't her favorite when we were younger, but as we are grower older she's realizing what a wonderful quality that is to have - by the time I'm 70 I'll look 80 and she'll look 50....

Kama, I love you dearly, miss you more than words could express, and hope you have the most amazing birthday ever!!

My sister and I don't get to see each other very often, and I've missed her birthday the last few years in a row as I've been in India - I do hope to be able to visit her in the states next year to bring in her birthday with her.

Kama Marie - I love you!

I’ve had a wonderful couple of days here in Mysore! On Monday evening after my Odissi lesson with Sindhu, we went together to a dance performance. Monday’s performance was the classical bharatnatium Indian dance, which has become one of the most popular of the seven classical Indian dance styles. I thoroughly enjoyed the show, it was interesting to the see the difference in styles between bharatnatium and Odissi, but it also made me really grateful to be learning Odissi, as I feel Odissi is a much more beautiful, more expressive, more elegant, and more challenging style of Indian dance.

Tuesday, I had a glorious yoga practice, felt as though my energy has come back full force. After practice I even went to the gym for a while – felt so nice to be back in the usual routine! Then I enjoyed a lovely breakfast at Tina’s with Maureen, John, Joyce, and Erin. I spent some time dealing with necessary emails and whatnot at Anu’s before going to get a much needed pedicure – haven’t had one since Sasha was here, and I was beginning to get rat feet. Maureen and I then headed to Coffee day for a good ole café Americano before heading to the city so I could pick up the ring I’d ordered weeks ago.

I got to dance at 4:30pm and after class yesterday Sindhu and I went to another dance performance – this time it was an Odissi performance! I was so excited to go see Odissi – I’d seen Sindhu do a performance right before I started working with her – but I really wanted to see another dancer performing items. Again it was a lovely show, and I really loved seeing many of the moves I’m learning being performed by someone with much more experience – it was truly beautiful to watch. It was raining pretty badly last night so Sindhu’s husband Kiran picked us up and took me home, which I was quite grateful for. I then ended up meeting up with some of my Indian friends for a few hours – we went to Opium, a rock-n-roll bar/club in the city. I’ve wanted to check the place out for quite a while but had not made it until last night. And I must say it was a really cool place with a great atmosphere and some really good rock tunes! I enjoyed a bit of dancing, a glass of wine, and some fun company…

Today has been really laid back – energy is a bit lower than yesterday, quite possibly because I filled yesterday to the rim. Also could have something to do with the coming full moon on Friday. Who knows…Regardless I’ve been able to get some much needed R&R, got the last of my bags from Girish, my hats from Lokash, went to the market, and plan to spend the next few hours doing some reading.

Getting out of bed was not the easiest thing I’ve done recently, but after my shower I was pretty good to go…When I stepped on my mat this morning I focused my intention on asking for guidance to surrender, to let go, to embrace…There are many things I want to let go of, many feelings, thoughts, habits, and people. My recent musings on Loss were heavy on my mind as I centered myself for practice – want to work towards getting past some of my tendencies regarding that. Although my body still feels a bit weak after the few days of being ill, I don’t think that is the only reason I felt weak in practice today. My mental energy was good, but my physical and emotional energy was very scattered. Thoughts rarely came, but when they did they seemed quite profound. In several postures I felt intense pangs of ‘fear’ – not of the pose itself but I guess of something that pose represented in my heart. I wish I could say I like it when that happens because it is something in my practice trying to help me with something in my life – but I don’t like it when it happens until I understand the significance behind it. As always, I must surrender to father time, for only he can unlock the mysteries behind all of this…


"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day."
- Rainer Maria Rilke

Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else.
-Gloria Steinem

I have spent several hours this afternoon writing…Ah, its been a while since I have had the time or the inclination to sit and write…Makes me feel quite good to do so, gets things off my chest, helps me make sense of things, makes me feel creative and free…

I also spent quite a bit of time reading today – another personal passion, and another thing I’ve not done enough of lately. Picked Bryson’s book back up and zoomed through another hundred pages by the pool with Maureen this afternoon….

The pool, yet another thing I haven’t indulged in for weeks. Looking back – today has been a glorious jewel of a day! So grateful for it too – been off kilter for the last week or so and feeling as though I’m finally getting my groove back. I must say that although I miss my old cozy little flat close to the shala – this new place feels much more comfortable in other ways – and Maureen’s company rocks. As I sit here typing she is on the couch reading her book – rare to have a friend who can sit in silence with you while you both read or write – Maureen ROCKS!

After three hours by the pool, which was simply heaven, we came back home and talked for several hours – she had a lot she needed to get off her chest, and I desperately needed some womanly advice from my older, wiser female friend. She helped me put some things into perspective and made me feel better about some of the choices I’ve made – also helped me see how I need to best utilize my last three weeks in Mysore. After some stimulating conversation, we finally motivated ourselves to grab dinner at Casino Park. Quite tasty, but as usual, I ate too much…People can’t get over the sheer amounts of food I consume on a daily basis – which I don’t find odd at all, but I guess maybe I do eat a lot. But shit, I say eat away, especially right now with as much physical activity as I do in a day – oh yeah baby, bring on the grub! Seriously though, it has been nice to have an appetite today and be able to enjoy food after the last two days of yucky tummy bug syndrome.
________________________________________________
The bits of my day that weren’t consumed with reading, writing, talking, or eating, I have spent thinking – stunner right! But today has been more focused on loss – can’t get Nicole out of my mind – feel for her deeply right now.

Her recent loss hurts me for her, and is also bringing up some deep rooted issues for me! I am reminded of my almost innate ‘survival response’ that began when my father passed away. Everyone I love or have ever loved has had to fight to get past a wall I’ve built to protect my heart – from the fear of loss…Even the people closest to me never truly get all the way in…I let everyone in to a point, only to a point – the deepest part of me always stays locked away safe and secure…To this day I notice this tendency I have…It makes me think of Kwang – we’ve been on and off for five years, ‘fucking and fighting’ as he says…We’ve both made mistakes, but I am always the one willing to throw in the towel when things get tough because the ‘wall’ protects my heart, and helps me grow cold when I feel threatened…Whenever we’ve talked about marriage, I freeze up and grow quiet – its because I’ve always been really fearful of such a long term commitment – not the commitment itself but the fear of burying my spouse – ‘til death do us part’ – I saw my mother bury my father when he was 38 years old – I have seen how it has affected her and our whole family over the last seventeen years – and I just can’t fathom ever doing it…May sound a bit odd, and it probably is, but I’ve grown up thinking that if I don’t ever get ‘married’ I won’t ever have to bury my other half. Oh boy, much to ponder…

Yummy – practice that is! I actually slept through the night last night and it was glorious. I woke up feeling a thousand times better than I’ve felt in days and happily began my morning pre-practice rituals. I’ll tell you life sure does seem so much sweeter when you begin to feel better after a yucky tummy bug…Spending several days being ill, feeling tired, worn out, and unable to do much of anything can really bring me down – but when the sickness starts to dissipate, I feel like a million bucks, and have a much greater appreciation for all the little things!

Maureen and I walked to the shala together this morning, which was quite a treat. However, once we got there she realized she couldn’t stay for practice as she’s not feeling well – she spent all day resting and feeling yucky right next to me yesterday – she has some nasty sinus issues – I felt really badly for her as she rolled her mat back up and headed back home – really hope she starts to feel better soon.

While practice was rather challenging physically because my body feels weak, I enjoyed it nonetheless. The energy in the room was soothing, and Saraswati’s voice was so calming. I’d say today was a practice – not a fantastic one, but one for which I am grateful to have had.
__________________________________________

Three passions have governed my life: The longings for love, the search for knowledge, And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness. In the union of love I have seen In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of [people]. I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, But always pity brought me back to earth; Cries of pain reverberated in my heart Of children in famine, of victims tortured And of old people left helpless. I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

-Bertrand Russell

_________________________________________________
Yesterday I received some very sad news – a friend of mine that I grew up with very recently lost her boyfriend. He was quite young with a whole life ahead of him. I cried when I found out, Nicole loved this guy so much and they had such grand life plans. It couldn’t have happened to a less deserving person either – for Nicole’s brother lost his very young wife only two years ago – as she has helped him get through the feelings of loss, anger, frustration, and all else that comes with grieving, now he will be able to help her do the same. I will be going home to visit my family over Christmas and I really look forward to seeing her then – catching up on the years that have passed since we last hung out and giving her the biggest hug ever! I love you lady!

It’s been a couple of very busy, very strange days here in Mysore….

For starters, I have been quite ill for the last few days – stomach bug – yuck! It started Thursday night, and as I sit here at my computer on Saturday evening I am still feeling like shit…Ganesh was kind enough to take me to the doctor today, and I got some medicine for this bug – but feel like it’s just gonna have to run its course in due time…In the meanwhile I’m staying at home running to and from zee bathroom ;(

Secondly, I moved in with Maureen on Wednesday. She has returned from her trip with her boyfriend Dave and moved into Jake’s old two bedroom flat close by Tina’s. She asked me to move in with her because it would save us both some rupees, and because it would be nice to have a roommate. I thought about it for a bit and opted to do it – I too liked the idea of always having company, I too would like to save some money and this will save me quite a bit, and my lease at my old place was almost up – so it made total sense. I felt a bit bad because I didn’t give my old landlords much notice, but I had not agreed on a second month, just mentioned the possibility…

In general, the last few days have been quite full – full of energy, excitement, new experiences, good times, some sickness, sadness, and goodbyes. It has been a very reflective few days – partly b/c I’m ill and have more down time to reflect – partly b/c moving in with Maureen has opened us both up to talking about our coming return to Florida in mid-November (Both of us are ready to go home but there are many things to think about between now and then) – partly b/c I feel like I’ve changed so much in the last two months and need to figure out how to implement these changes into the reality that exists back home – and partly b/c that is what I do – REFLECT on life…

The quote below poignantly expresses the way I see things right now –

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity. – Gilda Radner

Success:
To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.
________________________________________

I paid my last month of shala fees this morning after practice...Made me a bit sad to do so as it means I have less than a month left before leaving India and heading back to America. While I am excited to go home, I will miss Mother India dearly. This is my second home, a place I come to for reprieve, personal pursuits, and introspection...

Practice was quite delicious this morning - my second series practice was actually fantastic, and I think it had a lot to do with taking a week off and working only on Primary - seems as though my back enjoyed the break, and excitedly embraced the numerous backbends of second series today...And Backbends were amazing! I spent several minutes working on backbends before Saraswati came to help - I actually grabbed my knees on my own today - three times! I honestly couldn't believe it - I've only ever been able to grab to the top of my calves on my own...Needless to say I was wide open when Saraswati came and whipped my hands to my quads.

Around 9am I met up with Marueen (yeah she has returned!!!) and her boyfriend Dave at the coconut stand to go to Gokul Chats for breakfast! I must shamefully admit that today was my first time eating there - but I must also admit I wasn't the biggest fan. I was craving a tasty idly, and their idlys just weren't that tasty...Oh well, the company was terrific, and that is all that really matters. Dave, Maureen's man, will be here in Mysore til Friday. He is funny as all get out and seems to be a real laid back kinda person.

I plan to take a lovely nap for the next hour or so of my day before doing a bit of reading and writing - then off to dance! Oh yeah baby - jealous much ;)

If you're not confused, you're not paying attention. - Tom Peters

OmG - I nearly wet myself when I came across this quote today! How true it is...Awe, the irony of life.

I love the peace, quiet, and seeming innocence of the early morning hours when the sun still has a good hour left to sleep, people are in their beds dreaming, air is light and crisp, there is no traffic for miles, sounds are at a minimum, and I am wide awake already embracing the coming day! I was the first person to arrive at the shala this morning and I patiently waited for the gate to open. I took in a deep sigh of relief as I walked into the shala and put away my things, as I really needed this practice today. I haven't practice second series in almost a week because of this eye infection - means I don't need help in any postures and Saraswati doesn't have to come close to me. I miss second series very much but the week of primary has really given me some much needed grounding. Today I did all of primary and second up to Kapotasana - ended there so that I didn't have to get help from Saraswati in Supta Vajrasana. Although the eye is far better than it was last week there is still a bit of redness in the left - so I'll wait another day...I finished on stage and gave my respects to Saraswati...As I was doing so she asked about my eye - she smiled as she noticed it is a thousand times better than it was...She told me to come and do second series tomorrow...

I went to the gym for an hour after practice - I have a lot of energy inside of me right now - need to direct it to something physical so I don't harness it emotionally...Although it is funny - I recently learned from a fellow yogi that I have a bit of a reputation here in Mysore as the girl with way too much energy (or something along those lines) - funny to me because I know I am extremely active with tons of energy, but I didn't know I have a reputation for it ;)

On my way home I picked up some eggs and veggies to whip up a lovely omelet when I got home - and lovely it was with all the fixins ;) Hit the spot...

Yesterday evening I started Bill Bryson's book, Notes From A Big Country! FUNNY!!!! I love this writer - truly think he's become my all time favorite (and I must thank Ed for introducing him to me ;) I flew through the first hundred pages last night before making myself put it down and go to bed...I plan to spend a few hours with the book today - maybe I'll head to coffee day in a bit and fill up on some caffeine while soothing the soul indulging in a hilarious book!

Really looking forward to dance class at 4:30 today. Not only has it taken a very special place in my heart, but it has also made me find more fulfillment in my yoga practice. I've always known I love to dance, but this year I've learned that it is more than merely dancing (be it fun night's out with friends or traditional Odissi), it is a soulful release for me...

And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh. - Friedrich Nietzsche