Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else.
-Gloria Steinem

I have spent several hours this afternoon writing…Ah, its been a while since I have had the time or the inclination to sit and write…Makes me feel quite good to do so, gets things off my chest, helps me make sense of things, makes me feel creative and free…

I also spent quite a bit of time reading today – another personal passion, and another thing I’ve not done enough of lately. Picked Bryson’s book back up and zoomed through another hundred pages by the pool with Maureen this afternoon….

The pool, yet another thing I haven’t indulged in for weeks. Looking back – today has been a glorious jewel of a day! So grateful for it too – been off kilter for the last week or so and feeling as though I’m finally getting my groove back. I must say that although I miss my old cozy little flat close to the shala – this new place feels much more comfortable in other ways – and Maureen’s company rocks. As I sit here typing she is on the couch reading her book – rare to have a friend who can sit in silence with you while you both read or write – Maureen ROCKS!

After three hours by the pool, which was simply heaven, we came back home and talked for several hours – she had a lot she needed to get off her chest, and I desperately needed some womanly advice from my older, wiser female friend. She helped me put some things into perspective and made me feel better about some of the choices I’ve made – also helped me see how I need to best utilize my last three weeks in Mysore. After some stimulating conversation, we finally motivated ourselves to grab dinner at Casino Park. Quite tasty, but as usual, I ate too much…People can’t get over the sheer amounts of food I consume on a daily basis – which I don’t find odd at all, but I guess maybe I do eat a lot. But shit, I say eat away, especially right now with as much physical activity as I do in a day – oh yeah baby, bring on the grub! Seriously though, it has been nice to have an appetite today and be able to enjoy food after the last two days of yucky tummy bug syndrome.
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The bits of my day that weren’t consumed with reading, writing, talking, or eating, I have spent thinking – stunner right! But today has been more focused on loss – can’t get Nicole out of my mind – feel for her deeply right now.

Her recent loss hurts me for her, and is also bringing up some deep rooted issues for me! I am reminded of my almost innate ‘survival response’ that began when my father passed away. Everyone I love or have ever loved has had to fight to get past a wall I’ve built to protect my heart – from the fear of loss…Even the people closest to me never truly get all the way in…I let everyone in to a point, only to a point – the deepest part of me always stays locked away safe and secure…To this day I notice this tendency I have…It makes me think of Kwang – we’ve been on and off for five years, ‘fucking and fighting’ as he says…We’ve both made mistakes, but I am always the one willing to throw in the towel when things get tough because the ‘wall’ protects my heart, and helps me grow cold when I feel threatened…Whenever we’ve talked about marriage, I freeze up and grow quiet – its because I’ve always been really fearful of such a long term commitment – not the commitment itself but the fear of burying my spouse – ‘til death do us part’ – I saw my mother bury my father when he was 38 years old – I have seen how it has affected her and our whole family over the last seventeen years – and I just can’t fathom ever doing it…May sound a bit odd, and it probably is, but I’ve grown up thinking that if I don’t ever get ‘married’ I won’t ever have to bury my other half. Oh boy, much to ponder…